I did not cry on Wednesday.

I feel like I should have. And I didn't cry the week before that, or the first week of October, or any of the other times over the last year that we have lost multiple people to absolutely senseless violence.

I didn't cry because I am so very numb. Do you understand? There have been so many appalling crimes against humanity, the earth, and the inhabitants of it in my lifetime that I am just done. I am especially done when I think about the two biggest reasons for these crimes:

Religion and Profit.

Late last night, my children and I sat together around the island in the hub of our home--the kitchen. I'd probably had a little too much to drink; nothing like alcohol to numb the numbness, right? I apologized to their sweet and shining faces for the world they are inheriting. I charged them with saving the world, and do you know what they asked?

"How, Mama?"

I don't know. I don't know, dear ones. I do know that in the last twenty years, I have seen the rights of many taken away: rights that are inalienable, that shouldn't be taken away. I have seen blame placed. I have seen rampant fear fed and fueled by a media that hasn't been impartial for a very long time. I have seen so many people form opinions from sound bites and headlines without question or further investigation, without considering where the information is coming from.

I feel that I've failed you both; that this world, in the beginning of the sixth mass extinction (yes, really, and if you haven't read the research, I'd recommend pulling your head out of the sand), is no longer salvageable. But we can't think that way, or we might as well all just drown ourselves now. We have to try, for as long as we have this crazy beautiful world, we have to try to save it. And "thoughts and prayers" just aren't going to cut it.

So this morning, while I watched the sun come up and listened to the train and watched the crows converging to some distant, unknowable place, I thought about how. And this is what I came up with.

Find your passion. The world is too full of injustices to focus on all of it; you will find yourself overwhelmed. Find something that you are passionate about and fight. Work your ass off to be heard, to make it right. Environment, gun control, feminism, animal rights, ecology. . .whatever cause makes your heart ignite. Make your life about serving those people and causes who need a voice.

Don't waste yourself on silly pettiness. Don't stoop to talking shit about others, don't numb your brain with useless fodder. We are so over-inundated with media, unimportant creams and clothes and surgeries and diets and trolling, opinion pieces vomited from behind the anonymity of computer screens. Understand that you can choose what to let in to your brain, and you can choose what you think about it. And if you don't agree, or you don't like it, and you don't find it important enough to change it, leave it be and walk away.

Think critically. Always. Consider the source of everything. Who is profiting from the information? Where is the proof? Can the information be backed up from other, independent sources? Is the information or proof based on testimonials? Can the proof be reproduced? Are those spouting or selling the information being paid or benefiting in some way? Does the information mesh with what you already know to be true? Does it challenge your beliefs? Analyze your reaction to the information. What are questions you can ask about it?

Find common ground. It is so easy to stay safe in and among people and environments we are comfortable with, but nothing gets done when we are divisive and fighting, and as long as we are all taking sides, we will not find common ground. If we can agree on a few things- for example, that mass shootings shouldn't happen, and are definitely a problem in the U.S.- then we can start looking at what can be done about them. That is how this country is supposed to work. We learned it in preschool, watching Sesame Street- cooperation, and compromise. An awful lot of people in Washington have forgotten that.

Speak with integrity and honor. Follow your well-thought and researched words with action. Don't bother with lip service, and don't waste your time on those who do. And for fucksake, don't bother praying.

you can be the ripest, juciest peach in the world. . .

Or your job can be the best, most amazing, dream job come true in the world...

But that doesn't mean that it's the best job in the world for you. Or that you like peaches. Or something.

I started my dream job last January. 911 call taking. An incredible position with a really great group of people in a supportive environment with a director who "gets it." I was learning new things every. single. day. My 12 hour shifts allowed for several days off a week with my family. The benefits were amazing. I got to help people, be present for people, bear witness to their worst and darkest days, and say, "I am here for you until help arrives."

And then I started actual dispatch training. I hated it. I felt such a disconnect from everything I loved about call taking. I felt like many of the officers I dispatched for didn't take their safety nearly as seriously as I did. I wrestled with my heart about what I would possibly do if I lost one of those officers on my watch. My resting heart rate, usually in the low 60s, shot up to 98. Ninety-eight. That is not healthy, especially when you have a history of PSVT. I never took my blood pressure, but I'm sure it was sky high, too. I stopped eating much at all, I started drinking more coffee and eating more sugar. I stopped sleeping much. I stopped exercising, period. No yoga, no running, no weights. I had a really bad flare up of my rheumatoid arthritis in my fingers. I was a freaking mess.

I was in survival mode. I felt a strangely physical sensation of a disconnect between my head and my body, like I was a life-sized bobble head. Yes, really. I don't recommend it. In hindsight, I now recognize what was happening--I had to stop doing all the things I do to keep me sane and healthy, because, in my world, this new job was incompatible with my sanity and my health, and had I continued to do all the things that keep me mentally and physically healthy, I would have recognized and stopped that much sooner.

But I didn't. I kept on because I wanted to be a perfect fit for the job. I wanted to provide for my family, make sure they were healthy and taken care of. But because Mama is the glue in our house, the rest of the family was suffering. Yes, we had great health insurance and a nice monetary cushion, but most of that money was spent eating out or on groceries that went to waste, since default food for my Others is cereal. I couldn't remember the last time our house smelled like a home-cooked meal, or freshly baked bread, and--most distressing--I couldn't remember the last time the walls of our house had rung with laughter.

That was unacceptable. So I quit.

I've had three job offers. I accepted one. I'll let you know when it comes through.

Our relationships, our interactions, our interconnectedness in this web of humanity. . .these are what are important. We get this one life. I'm not going to waste it.

who knew you could be stuck in such a deep, dark hole at this high an elevation?

so much has changed in the last year, and yet so much has remained the same.

 I finally have a job that gives us some breathing room financially, and it is something that I love doing and that challenges me every day.  It also, unfortunately, provides me with an even more skewed view of the world, as I come in contact with people having the worst days of their lives for 12 hours straight, 4 days in a row.

I have friends in the high desert, I suppose.  People who, if I could get out from under this web of grief, would be excellent company.  I feel, though, like I've been the one putting out the effort repeatedly, with no return on the investment. This saddens me, and at some point I just decided to quit expending the energy.

That left me with two things--family and home. Home is no longer a sanctuary; the neighborhood where we had but one street of houses next to us when we bought our house two years ago has become one of the busiest roads in our area of town.  In just over a year, we had two major subdivisions pop up around us.  I can no longer sit in my yard and think.  Even inside, I have the constant sound of traffic.  Family is still the same, with one child always away, one child with me, and husband working over the mountain every week.

I miss my mother in law almost every day.  I am so grateful I was able to spend some of her last days with her.  I miss my own mother daily, too, and she isn't even gone yet, but I know the day is coming. I think I would like to just curl up with my head in her lap for a very long while.

I am done with all of this. I have a desperate need to look within, to calm my heart and soul, but the chatter and noise surrounding me is so loud it prevents me from doing so.