who knew you could be stuck in such a deep, dark hole at this high an elevation?

so much has changed in the last year, and yet so much has remained the same.

 I finally have a job that gives us some breathing room financially, and it is something that I love doing and that challenges me every day.  It also, unfortunately, provides me with an even more skewed view of the world, as I come in contact with people having the worst days of their lives for 12 hours straight, 4 days in a row.

I have friends in the high desert, I suppose.  People who, if I could get out from under this web of grief, would be excellent company.  I feel, though, like I've been the one putting out the effort repeatedly, with no return on the investment. This saddens me, and at some point I just decided to quit expending the energy.

That left me with two things--family and home. Home is no longer a sanctuary; the neighborhood where we had but one street of houses next to us when we bought our house two years ago has become one of the busiest roads in our area of town.  In just over a year, we had two major subdivisions pop up around us.  I can no longer sit in my yard and think.  Even inside, I have the constant sound of traffic.  Family is still the same, with one child always away, one child with me, and husband working over the mountain every week.

I miss my mother in law almost every day.  I am so grateful I was able to spend some of her last days with her.  I miss my own mother daily, too, and she isn't even gone yet, but I know the day is coming. I think I would like to just curl up with my head in her lap for a very long while.

I am done with all of this. I have a desperate need to look within, to calm my heart and soul, but the chatter and noise surrounding me is so loud it prevents me from doing so.